Tag Archives: myspace

Funny Myspace Messages 10

{Go back and check out earlier installments if you haven’t already}

It’s been quite a while since the last “Funny MySpace Messages” dropped, but that’s ok. I think you’ll find the same craziness here that you’re accustomed to finding in my MySpace inbox. In addition to my messages, I’ve got a couple of Clay’s and a even one of Prelle’s. Let’s do it.

I’ll start if off with a girl who was featured in the last installment. She, like so many others, just would NOT STOP with the messages. I just don’t understand why a person would keep sending messages over months and months. Well, “Irene a.k.a. ‘sex big mommy’” and I don’t see eye to eye on this because, in addition to the messages she sent me before, she sent me these as well:

No Subject

Body:

hello sup with you?? 

Then, 2 months later:

Subject:

No Subject

Body:

hello … 

How many times can you say hello before someone wants to gag your face (see “Forgetting Sarah Marshall”)? The lack of interest on my part is clear. There is no answer, therefore there should be no more questions. It aint hard to see why:

Her makeup container is empty for a reason… it’s all on her FACE.

Anyway, the sexy big mommy was a little too much big mommy for me, but I do commend her for using an appropriate display name. One that described her as well as she believed it could. The next girl had a display name that I had to laugh at.

Meet “WARNING- U COULD FALL INLOVE” (yes that was her screen name):

Hahaha no way did I read that name, then see this picture, then laugh so hard that tears came rolling down my face. I guess the laughter wasn’t all about the picture above,

or this picture,

or this picture.

It was a combination of all of that and the message I got:

Jun 24 2008 2:10 PM 

whuts gd sweety….stoppin throu showin sum sexy luv wit chocolate over it….hope u return it

I had never been offered “sexy luv wit chocolate over it” before, but upon receiving my first taste, I realized that I COULD fall in love…

PSYCH!

Then there was “Nay Nay.” 

“Nay Nay” sent me this:

Subject: Yo daddy

Body:

Can I be in your tops

The queen bitch

By the way, this is “Nay Nay” profile pic:

I’m just going to ask a series of questions and you can do your best to answer, because I have no clue.

1. Is she the queen of the Bitches?

2. What is she wearing, a sheet?

3. Does she have on matching socks?

4. Is she even a she?

5. What are these poses all about?

6. Seriously, these poses are kind of scary, right?

7. Who took these pictures?

8. Did the person who took the pictures approve of such poses?

9. A random cable cord??

10. What is this room? I’d guess laundry, but its too skinny. Seriously, the cable cord throws me way off.

11. Mop?

Thanks for your help.

I’ll take this time to showcase some of Clay’s strange MySpace stalkers. These people must not know that Clay is not a contender to win the “Dance Off,” because they love him… Especially the males. Like DL DUDE:

He sent some simple message that I can no longer find, but it was definitely of the “hollar” variety. Then I found this on his “About Me”:

Wuz good myspace…um im really 17, I’M A BOTTOM..n im reall bullsh*t intolerant…i dont f*cc wit fakez…cuz im not…iText™…get at me for the number..my real page..or anything else

Clay gets hit on by underage men more than any 24 year old straight man on earth not wearing a dress in the Castro. He’s not homophobic, and neither am I, but we just can’t figure it out. Well, I think Clay may have had a heart attack when he saw the message from “LET IT RAIN ON ME”:

From: LET IT RAIN ON ME 

Date: Sep 13, 2008 7:49 PM

yo wats gud thankx 4 da add u sexy ass hell ill let u hite it from da back and in any way u wnt it dats how sexy u are 

I was drinking water while reading that message for the first time. I clearly had a gag reaction and spit all the water out of my mouth, barely dodging my laptop screen but dousing the food that was on the table next to me. I don’t even think any further commentary is necessary on that one. Just wow. I don’t care if you’re gay, straight, or overweight, that’s a lot to send a stranger over the internet.

The last thing Clay forwarded to me was just a photo that someone posted as a comment of his page that he thought was weird:

I think it’s weird too, Clay.  I think it’s weird too.

Back to my messages. I got a male message too, although it had nothing to do with a sexual advance. It was from “Mattney.” He actually felt so compelled to say it that he posted the same comment TWICE.

“you is a fake ass gilbert arenas you dont even play in the nba….”

Oh man here we go again. It’s like how stupid do you have to be, guy? You come to my page, click on my photos, find a D-League photo and comment that on it? You must not have a life. 

I looked at his page for a second and realized that he indeed, does not.

For starters, find a new pose, a new hat, and some new wallpaper. “You fake ass thug, you don’t even live in New York.” 

This was his “About Me”:

ha namez Matthew or but i go by matt or mattney Im pretty much a chilled person and tymez i can be funny and crazy and i lyke to go to parties i also lyke hanging out with my friendz and im not fully white im mixed wit some things and god comes first in my life then my familia then my friendz cause they are wat keeps me goin everyday… my sports are track,football,and basketball,and im a junior at pearland highschool and i dislike drama so dont bring ur drama to me if u want to know more hit me wit a msg or a cmmt…

Secondly, Mr run-on-sentence, putting a Y instead of an I makes you lame. Claiming that you’re not fully white doesn’t justify the use weird abbreviations and writing on a keyboard like you’re texting you some other lame high schooler.

Lastly, if you dislike drama, don’t go on a grown man’s page, wearing that effing shirt (once again, see “Forgetting Sarah Marshall), during recess, if you REALLY have something better to do. Clearly you don’t. The end. Eat a fruit roll up and STFU.

I’ll leave you all with the first message that Prelle has sent to me. I think it’s TMRB worthy. You have to remember that Prelle was a model on the “Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency” TV show for two seasons. Therefore, he does have quite a few fans. Here is the best fan message in my opinion. It was from “Rasheen”:

HEY

Body:

HEY CHRISTIAN … 

HOW ARE U DOING???

MY NAME IS RASHEEN P****… 

IM 15 YEARS OF AGE… 

I’m a freshman AT NEW WORLD SCHOOL OF THE ARTS.. 

IN MIAMI FL. 

I MAJOR IN DANCE… 

I LOVE YOU AND THE JANICE DICKINSON MODELING SHOW… 

I WONT TO BECOME A UNDERWEAR MODEL SOME DAY… 

I WOULD LOVE TO BE YOU.. 

I WOULD DO ANYTHING YOU SAY… 

I WOULD LOVE TO MODEL WITH YOU SOME DAY.. 

WHEN I GET OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL…. 

SO CAN YOU HELP ME WITH SOME TIPS TO BECOME A UNDERWEAR MODEL????

YOU CAN CALL ME MY NUMBER IS *** *** ****

OR YOU CAN E MAIL *****@BELLSOUTH. NET 

Is this for real? Would he really do ANYTHING prelle said? Does he really want to be an underwear model at age 15? Did he really think Prelle would call him? I know he majors in dance, but do they teach English at that school too? 

I guess it’s just the way an aspiring underwear model does things.

Until next time… The End.

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Funny Myspace Messages 9

You should be familiar with how these things go by now, so I won’t waste effort with any kind of introduction. Let’s do it… 

I got this first message from a girl with the display name: Killa K G.I.M. Double D dont f#@kin play.~$~” I took the liberty of editing her language for the curse-word sensitive… 

Dec 24, 2007 7:08 AM 

Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ] 

Subject: 

No Subject 

Body: 

Wat ^ wit u 

When I got this message I was a little worried. I wasn’t worried that I was being targeted, but I was more concerned with the fact that this could be the laziest person to ever send a message. Is it really that much more effort to type out “What’s up with you?” I personally don’t think so. In fact, considering you have to hit Shift + 6 to make the “^” sign, time was not actually saved. Whatever, I had no intention of replying, so it didn’t matter. I wasn’t even gonna write about it until I got another message on the same day. 

Dec 24, 2007 8:01 PM 

Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ] 

Subject: 

No Subject 

Body: 

wats good 

This time I got an “s” but still no “h”. Lazy bastard. Regardless, I noticed something else. This girl woke up at 7 a.m. on Christmas eve to send me a lazy ass message, then 13 hours later, on Christmas eve, she was still all caught up in Rod Benson’s world and couldn’t help but to send me another message. Honestly, isn’t there something else she could be doing to occupy her time on Christmas eve. Maybe it was so cold outside that she spent all day inside on MySpace. Maybe not: 

 

It’s obvious that it can never be too cold for her to get outside and take a picture, so I threw the last theory out the window. Also, I never quite understood that pose. I see a lot of people do it, but I don’t know why. Does her back hurt? Could she have just completed a set of squats? Is Lil’ John’s “Get Low” playing in the background? Maybe the camera man also doubles as a limbo judge. Who knows? 

Now it was time to see what her profile was all about. 

“UNTIL 4EVA IT WILL ALWAYS BE ABOUT THE SAGITTAURUS. ALL F#&KIN DAY AN ALL F@$KIN NIGHT. 24hrs A DAY N&GGAS.” 

Female 

16 years old 

GARY, Indiana 

United States 

Wow. Just wow. Stupid message? Strike one. 16 years old? Strike two. Ridiculous tagline? Strike three. Seriously, being a “Sagittaurus” is not that tight. But I do get the all day all night thing. She spent all day and all night trying to send me MySpace messages. Really? 

Moving on.. 

Jan 6, 2008 10:57 PM 

Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ] 

Subject: 

No Subject 

Body: 

come thru…and leave me a pix comment…preciate chu… 

I guess this could be worse. It would be a safe assumption that she has many pictures that she would “preciate” a comment on. Basically all this really means is that she wants me to check her out and then leave some sort of sexy, witty comment daring her to comment on my photos as well. Her problem was that she only had one picture: 

….aaaaaaannd the caption under it said: 

” 

I did leave a comment. Here’s what it said: 

Is this the picture I was supposed to comment on? I love Madden as much as anybody, but chances are good someone would have to look at you in the face while you play, unless you can see through your ass and control with your feet. 

Honestly, I guess we’ve come to a point where people think an ass with playstation abilities is perfectly fine. Anybody who sees a playstation playing ass on myspace and pursues it has serious, serious issues. 

Well, I guess there could be worse things. You could have this as your main pic:

 

and then you could send me this: 

Jan 9, 2008 8:23 PM 

Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ] 

Subject: 

No Subject 

Body: 

hello … 

Hello…? E.T. phone home? I wasn’t sure what she wanted me to say back (not that I was going to send anything back anyway), but her main pic was enough for me to take a peek at her page. This was her “about me”: 

“i love 2 dance……it “s my life!!! only hip-hop r” &b….!!! my dream is to dance for a greate performer…..like MISSY ELLIOT,SNOOP DOG,JAY-Z,METHODMAN,EMINEM…X-ZIBIT…E.T.C!!!!!!!!!!!” 

I mean, Im not in the business of shattering dreams, but sometimes you gotta realize when to let it go. If I was 4 feet tall, maybe I wouldn’t want to pursue the NBA. Better yet, if I had blackened toe nails with corns and bunions on them, modeling Rainbow sandals would be very difficult. Still, I had to look at some more pictures to see if the dream could be fulfilled: 

 

Let’s ignore the fact that she took a picture while SITTING on the TOILET and examine the quest to be a back up dancer. I mean you never know, but I’ve been watching Snoops new show, “Fatherhood”, and he had a video shoot on there. His son asked him if there would be attractive women there and Snoop replied “It’s a Snoop Dogg video, what do you think?” I highly doubt his son thought about this girl. 

 

I guess she just wanted a hello back from me, but seriously, I doubt she’ll be Boom Tho girl of the month anytime soon. 

Well, this is where this whole operation takes a turn. Usually I include the one or two men who sent me messages and get a laugh out of it. This time it goes to a whole ‘nother level. There must be something in the air this winter that makes men just want to send messages to straight men. I got more than enough and so did Clay, my boy from Cal. I have no problem with homosexuality, but if you violate what I consider to be MySpace acceptable, male or female, I have to write it out…. 

I’ll just start with Clay and the ridiculous men who send him messages, showing complete disregard for the “straight” label on his profile. Just absolute complete disregard. 

 

From: I’M MARSHALL, & I’M ADDICTED 2 FASHION 

Date: Dec 10, 2007 12:36 AM 

U SEXY AS HELL 

Guys name is “I’m Marshall and I’m Addicted 2 Fashion.” Haha. I guess that’s cool. I enjoy buying new gear myself, but come on. Clay doesn’t need your fashion advice, especially if you think he’s sexy as hell, Marshall. Clay doesn’t like big girls, there’s no way he’d like a big GUY. 

Yes, Marshall, you are good at doing bad things on MySpace. 

Then there were Zac and Robb… 

From: Zac 

Date: Dec 12, 2007 3:12 PM 

sup sexy? how is your day going? saw you online and thought I’d say hello. holla 

 

From: Robb.. 

Date: Nov 16, 2007 10:34 PM 

Beautiful eyez yo! 

Zac needs to quit shopping for clothes at Baby GAP. Robb looks like what Papa Smurf would look like is he was black. Both of them need to read a profile. If it says straight, then he doesn’t want to hear about his eyes, and he damn sure doesn’t wan’t to tell you about his week. Clay has like 12,000 MySpace friends, 11,900 of them being asian women, what makes you think he would like you too? 

It still only got worse for Clay: 

 

 

From: Amina Da Show Girl of the Pretty Boy Empire 

Date: Jan 4, 2008 3:19 AM 

hi sexy 

“But Rod, you said these were men sending messages, why does it say ‘Show Girl’?” Funny you should ask… Her about me says the following: 

Im a female impersonater i do drag shows in long beach, i love to sing and dance and i am a real person if you ever need someone to talk to that will be me, if you need to book me for a show hit me up.. I am also a woman of God and i have a purpose on this earth and nobody can say or take that way from me. “Pray on just little a little bit while longer, and everything will be alright.” PRETTY BOY EMPIRE: SHOW GIRLS WE ARE THE THE SHOW GIRLS(DRAG QUEENS) OF THE PRETTY BOY EMPIRE. WE ARE A PARTY CREW NOT AN HOUSE. WE EXSPECT RESPECT AND EXCELENCE, DETERMINATION AND SUCCESS IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE A SHOW GIRL THEN HIT ME UP. IF YOU WANNA BE APART OF THE PRETTYBOY PARTY CREW HIT ME ILL DIRECT YOU THE THE EMPIRE MAIN HEAD.” 

So I guess this is just how it’s gonna be for clay. Gay men all over the country want him. When you consider how many messages he gets, then the 1% homosexual rate isn’t all that bad. Still, I don’t know how many people click “New Messages!” expecting to see a cross dresser, and then read the message “Hey Sexy.” 

Well, I still think my messages take the cake in this bunch. See, I’ve heard from women that guys just can’t take a hint, but I’ve never had to deal with it, really. I just laugh comments like that off. Now I understand a little better: 

For starters, I was a little confused by the display name “Back off boys dis d*ck and booty belong to Marco”, especially since it came with this message: 

Subject: you have a gorgeous smile 

Body: 

holla at me 

There is already so much wrong with this picture. I’ve never heard someone stake claim their outgoing AND incoming parts before. I laughed so hard when I thought about this. Then, he clearly says “Back off boys” but then actively pursues boys. Then I felt sorry for Marco, whoever he is. Then, I was extremely grossed out by the whole thing. I was certainly NOT going to holla at him. I don’t play for the visitors, if you know what I mean. Well, of course you know what I mean. I like women hahaha. 

Well, I didn’t reply, of course. Not long after I got this:

Nov 13, 2007 5:58 AM 

Subject: 

No Subject 

Body: 

hey cutie!!!! holla at me sexy 

Guess I was downgraded from gorgeous to cute and sexy, or was that upgraded? I don’t know, but since Tyra Banks didn’t say it, I wasn’t interested. No reply again. 

Subject: No Subject 

Body: 

holla at me sexy 

Nope, still nothing… 

Subject: No Subject 

Body: 

how come u dont respond to my messages? 

Seriously dog, you can’t figure this one out? Not gay not gay not gay! Why the hell else would I not? There are two possibiliies: either I’m not gay, or you’re just ugly. Stop now. Stop dog. Just stop. Still, I didn’t reply. Didn’t want to give him any ammunition. 

Subject: No Subject 

Body: 

HOW R U TODAY? DID I DO SOMETHING TO UPSET U CUZ YOU HAVENT BEEN ANSWERING ANY OF MY MESSAGES? 

This guy has got to be kidding. He is talking to me like I owe him something. He’s talkin to me like I KNOW him. I should be upset by now because I am obviously doing something so gay on my page that he refuses to buy any other circumstance. Luckkkyyyy for me this was the last one. I still do think I have a homosexual stalker. He’s probably googled me. He could be reading this right now. If he is, I hope he has learned something. If someone doesn’t say gay, don’t get mad when they are polite enough to just not answer. I know people who fight over this stuff. He’s lucky I’m a passivist. 

I know you wanna see what this guy looks like. I’ve been saving it for a reason. First, take a look at his profile info (edited once again): 

“Im a freak between the sheets….love licking booty 

Who I’d like to meet: 

Just any body that is willing to be my friend; I don’t need no hata’s on my sh*t cause fake mothaf**ka’s can sucka d*ck I’m the trillest gonna always be reppin my game making all my ghetto hood fame cause n*ggas know about. Me it doesn’t matter where you from if your just curious its understandable cause I love all people I’ll except you for being your self…!” 

Does this even need analysis? Nope. I will say that it is crazy that someone would have a public profile and say that they “love licking booty.” Maybe that’s just me. Well, on to the pictures. I’ve never laughed so hard at a picture: 

 

Really? Really? Dude is straight up smiling into the water as it falls into his face. As a reader of TMRB, you have now officially seen it all. What was crazy was that this picture had like 80 comments on it including these: 

from

Elijah: 

Damn I wish I were a drop of that water. 

from

“Just Me”: 

let me lick u all over 

from

“Lil Shaun”: 

I’ll dry u off but then your gonna have to dry me off cause your making me wet 

Really son? You are a man! You don’t get wet! I spent an honest 10 minutes just laughing at all of the comments on this, the funniest photo I’ve seen on MySpace. 

Well, that wraps up Funny MySpace #9. Until next time… 

Oh yea, guy has to dry off, right? 

 

Elijah: 

You missed a spot…Let me get it for you. 

OF COURSE!

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What B-Melt Has To Say

Go back down and read “The Greatest Myspace story ever told,” if you havent yet. When youre done, my boy B-melt has some more to add. It is in his voice, so I’ll let him say what he has to say… 

Rod, you were pretty dead on about your story. but i do have a couple extra stories for your viewers enjoyment. SO EVERYONE, please continue to read… Everything happens in life for a reason, but when things happen like this, and when they happen to you, the only thing you can say is… “i know stuff like this can happen, but not to me!” it was weird, the more we talked, the more we had in common, the more we had in common, the more we clicked, the more we clicked, the more other people knew i was talkin to her. the more people that knew i was talkin to her, the more she hyped up the coolest white boy ever, i mean… SHE EVEN PUT A PIC OF ME ON HER MYSPACE PAGE! (now i dont think it can get any more honorable than that, LMAO) anyways… i havent lost total contact with her, she really is a good person, with a good heart… but its crazy to think not only did she have me fooled, but she had 75% of all professional athletes fooled, (i was the only white exception she ever made, so you gotta admit, that adds a little more spice to the story, lol)

The 1st story might be the most ironic of all stories. in 2000,When i was a freshman at Illinois, i actually talked to her online many times, and we conversed back and forth about people and life in general. i remember sending her a picture of me and yao ming together…anyways… more than 5 years later, we ironically became friends on myspace, (which at the time, i had no idea i even knew her) and she immediately sent me that pic of me and yao ming, which freaked me the hell out, i mean… how in the world did she get that? i mean, that picture was taken over 6 years ago! and i forgot i even had that picture! anyways, that convinced me that OF COURSE, I DID KNOW HER, and by the looks of her pics… I REALLY WANTED TO GET TO KNOW HER SOME MORE!!!

In fact, that leads me to story #2…the more i got to know her, the more she name dropped, and i started to realize we had many mutual friends, she actually got me into clubs in SD with out even being within 3,000 miles from me. i was waiting in line at “aubergine” downtown, and there were some Chargers having a party in there, some i knew, some i didnt, but the ones i knew, SHE KNEW! so, she hit them up on their TMAIL, saying, “hey, my boy is waitin in line outside the club, can you get him in?” the next thing i knew, i had some of the Chargers coming out to get me, bmelt, into the club! how crazy is that? im just a white boy from the country with connects from all over the globe. LOL…

now its time for story #3,which is by far,last but not least… what im about to say is going to be said for a total sense of humor that you happened to leave out of your story, so please “Tiffany”, dont get mad, its only as funny as you made it, At a certain “white party” in the summer of 06’ i ran into this Kelly guy… he asked me… “hey, are you really dating ‘Tiffany’?” and at that time, i was the only one in america who knew “the truth”, i just didnt want to blow her cover, so i responded “yeah, sure AM!!!” he said, “DAMN YOURE LUCKY, i’ve seen her pictures, DAMN SHE’S GOT A PHAT ASS!!!” my only response i could think of was “you got that right!” anyways, i thought that would add some humor to your story.

i could go on and on about stories that i encountered on my 6 month journey with this “Tiffany” character. but its just not worth it. she’s a good girl, who made a mistake, all people make mistakes, but atleast she got the chance to live the life that many people can only dream of…being a “MYSPACE JUMP-OFF”!!!

good luck to you RB, it was great sharing stories with you this summer at Glen Park!

the infamous, bMelt. Once you become famous, you can never become UN-famous, you can only become IN-famous!!! remember that…

“Matthew 19:26; with god, all things are possible”

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