The Bachelor Party

What you are about to witness is an email account of a very terrible situation that me and some of my boys are going through. I’ll give you a little back-story on the issue first. My roommate of four years, Richard, is getting married this summer. He is the first of my friends to get married, so I’m kind of new to the whole process. The lack of experience comes into play even more because I am actually in the wedding, so I am one of three guys all in charge of making sure the bachelor party is off the chain. Now you know all you need to know to read the following. It’s an email sent by Rell (my hoops teammate turned model friend) regarding the bachelor party situation, Richard was not CC’d in this email: 

We have handled the news of Rmidge getting married pretty well. Unfortunately though, we’ve just been hit with something that cannot be forgiven or forgotten as long as we live. 

Im assuming that we are all in agreement with the fact that a man’s bachelor party is his last chance as a free man to really get loose with his best buds. Im not saying that he will never go out again and get wild…im just saying that its a special time for us to commemorate the fact that he is signing his balls away for the rest of his life. Lets also be honest and say that the bachelor party is never only about the bachelor, its about his boys. A bachelor party is a prime opportunity for guys like Conor to swoop and maybe pick up some sixty year olds and make out in the middle of the casino, a prime time for Lup to find some Lup breezes make them cry and come home with lion claw marks all over his back, a prime time for space to find a nice blonde breeder and wife the shit out of her, Rod can get some amazing footage for his next music vid, and last but not least Mike will be able to disappear for hours and talk on the phone to his girl and make up a lie on why he has to take an early flight home. 

Well, all of these amazing scenarios are in jeopardy of never happening. Apparently, Richard cant go to Vegas! I can hear the collective, “WHY!” amongst all of you. No, its not because of a family emergency. No, its not because he doesnt think Vegas would be fun. No, its not because he doesnt want to lose the money he is saving for the honeymoon on gambling. All of these MIGHT  be acceptable excuses. As you have probably guessed by now: Its because Vanessa said he is not allowed! 

I know there are other places to have bachelor parties, but come on when you’re in America and you here the words bachelor party you immediately think Vegas. Of course, we dont want to go to Vegas because we want Midgley to bang some hooker like Vanessa is probably thinking. We want to go to Vegas because it presents the most opportunity, in the short period of time we have, to make some legendary moments. 

We all remember the old Rmidge, probably at one time the most solid among us. The guy who claimed he would never be the first to get married, the guy who used to get in a bar brawl anytime he went to bear’s lair, the guy who would cut off his own hand before ever holding a breezes in public, and most importantly the guy who ALWAYS had his boy’s backs no matter what. Well, that guy is looooooonnnnnnggggggg gone. I guess we’ll just have to wait for Mike’s or Chase’s wedding, which ever comes first, to do Vegas big time. 

If there still are any questions as to why we arent going to Vegas please direct your emails to the undisputed number one saver of all time r*****@gmail.com. If there are any alternative ideas for the bach party please email me. 

RELL

So that email was sent to all the boys on April 23rd. On April 28th Chase Lyman, former Cal football star wide-out, sent this as a reply: 

Since Vegas is now out of the running apparently, I have some ideas for other things we can do for the bachelor party. 

-Monterey Bay Aquarium 

-Movie night in Walnut Creek 

-Poker night at Conor’s place 

-Go to a poetry reading on Shattuck 

-6 Flags/Great America 

-Mystic bowling night a Palo Alto Bowl 

Let’s see if we can get any of these locations approved and I’ll set it up.  

I was actually at Prelle’s house in Newport Beach when we read this email from Chase. I realized that Richard was now CCd on the email so it could blow up. It prompted Prelle to immediately send this right back: 

Take richard’s email off any further inquiries about the bachelor party and insert vanessas because she makes all the decisions. The sad part is I’m not trying to be funny, I’m dead serious. 

Chase, the poetry reading on Shattuck is the only idea that can potentially get the go ahead from the head honcho…if and only if the poetry contains no profanity whatsoever, no sexual references of any kind, and as long as its during the day so we can have Richard home before the street lights go on. 

We wont be able to go to the aquarium because the female fish and mammals dont wear any clothes. We wont be able to go to movie night because its to late and all the movies nowadays contain violence and nudity and profanity…all of which are completely off limits for Richard. Poker night, I’m sure she’ll laugh in his face at the mention of this idea…the potential to invite strippers over, and, of course, Richard is strictly prohibited from gambling for the rest of his life. Six flags is off limits because of the dangers the roller coasters present…we might be able to get away with going to a theme park if and only if it’s guys only day at the venue. Mystic bowling is obviously to late at night and there might be drinking which is also strictly prohibited because Richard is only allowed to have alcohol for special occasions like family parties or baby showers and even then its a two beer limit, no hard alcohol of any kind. 

Oh man this had me just dying. Richard was my roommate for four years, and now it had really come to this! Well, I guess Nessa (Richard’s Fiance) didn’t take all of this too well. She called Prelle from England to call him out on many things. I couldn’t exactly hear the words, but she was serious. If she wanted to call him out, she should have just pasted some of Prelle’s modeling photos on the internet, like I do all the time: 

I digress, this is about Rich, not Prelle. After the phone call, Prelle sent another email to everyone: 

Just to forewarn everyone, you are not only sending a message to Richard when you send something to HIS email address. His address is shared with Vanessa. Richard/Vanessa, could you let us know if Richard has an email he uses just for himself in case we have anything private we want to send him. 

Thanks 

Oh man I was rolling. I thought this would end it all, but alas, a few days ago, I got one more email from Prelle. I guess there is a site called “The Jew Knew” where important questions get answered. To quote “The Jew”: 

“This is no AskJeeves…Jeeves is actually my bitch. I’ve got a tailored answer for every question. You heard me…I know my sh*t. 

Try me…ask me anything. Just make sure it has nothing to do with Math or Religion. 

I’ll have a response e-mailed to you within 24 hours. 

– The Jew” 

So, Prelle’s question and “The Jew’s” response are both currently pasted right on the front of thejewknew.com, but I’ll still list them here. I had to edit it a bit, even for TMRB: 

Dear Jew: One of my best friends is getting married and I am the best man. Of course, I’m automatically hit with the responsibility of planning the bachelor party. Vegas, right? Of course, Vegas. Only problem is his fiance will not allow him to go. Last time I checked if you are a grown man you shouldnt have to listen when someone tells you what do. I had the whole thing planned out and now everyone one of our friends thinks this guy is a joke, including me. How do we tell him he doesnt have to listen to her? How do we tell him that if he listens to her now shell be telling him what to do until they get divorced? This guy has pulled a complete 180 from the guy we went to college with which wast that long ago? How do we get the old guy back? 

**Response** 

Your friend is pussy whipped. He’s getting married for f*cks sake. The guy you went to college with is gone…You heard me…GONE. There is no getting this guy back. In fact, your friendship is probably already in jeopardy. The wife has probably started to “phase out” his college buddies in lieu of couples…F*CK THAT. 

Here’s what to do. Tell the wife…not your buddy…that you respect her decision and that you’re working on a contingency plan. 

Here’s the plan: 

Have all your buddies book flights to Cabo San Lucas and get everyone to pitch for a flight for the groom. 

Tell the wife after the trip has been booked that instead of partying like animals for an entire weekend, you’ve decided do a more relaxing bachelor party to Cabo for some fishing and golf. Tell her the arrangements have already been made and airfare has been booked. She’ll be pissed, but the damage has been done. 

Depending on the # of guys in your party, Stay at the ME (If less than 10) or book a house through: 

www.Cabovillas.com 

Get a house in Pedrigal…on the hill overlooking downtown. These guys will take good care of you and have a great inventory of sick houses/villas. You can pull chicks back to the house and you don’t have to worry about being too loud and getting kicked out. Cabo has a great pool scene and plenty of hot babies. 

At the wedding…your speech needs to call the bitch out. Then tell her that you hate fishing and that you suck at golf. 

Good luck. Bring your own blow… 

The Jew 

www.thejewknew.com 

So “The Jew” gave us a possibility, Chase gave us some possibilities, and, of course, we could just go to Vegas. What do you think of our options? 

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