On Ball Don’t Lie, I wrote about Pistol Pete and how his skills were superhuman. Go read that, if you haven’t already.
Now that you’ve read it, I decided to list all the Pistol Pete-isms that people posted. So, here they are, uncut:
a Pistol Pete spin-dribble started Hurricane Katrina
* When he ran suicides, he called them baby-makers.
* He could have averaged 50 points a game, but he likes palindromes.
* Shaquille O’Neal only took the name ‘Diesel’ because Pistol took Premium.
* It wasn’t March Madness until Pistol got angry.
* Dick Vitale sounded like Jay Bilas until he saw Pistol’s crossover.
* ESPN originally stood for “Every Shot of Pistols is Notable.”
Referees never called fouls on Pistol Pete; he ordered them to randomly blow their whistles to make his possessions more interesting.
Pistol Pete caused the 1977 New York blackout during a pickup game when his crossover dribble accidentally generated an electromagnetic pulse.
Pistol Pete’s baby teeth grew arms and legs and eventually spawned into 7 members of the 1986 Celtics.
Pistol Pete once melted a pair of Chuck Taylors into the shape of the Virgin Mary dribbling a basketball—15 minutes later, the silhouette began producing tears.”
Pistol Pete is so fast that all his assists are to himself.
Pistol Pete doesn’t break ankles, he amputates feet.
Pistol Pete didn’t drop dimes, he dropped C-notes.
When Pistol Pete played, they moved the 3-point line to half court, because a 20-footer is just a layup to Pistol Pete.”
Pistol Pete never hit the rim. He swished every shot he ever took, he refused to even dunk the ball as he viewed the rim as disgusting and didn’t want to touch it in any way.
if pistol pete was black they’d call him rod benson
Pistol Pete ran the 3-man weave single-handedly.
Pistol Pete racked up 21 assists in a one-on-one game.
Pistol Pete went deep into the NIT tournament despite the fact that his teammates were 7 goats and a truck tire.
Pistol Pete once had a line of 63 points, 21 assists, 18 rebounds, and 3 impregnated cheerleaders.”
Pistol Pete is a good scorer without the ball. Literally, he just stares at the ball and it goes in.
Pistol Pete’s crossover is so devastating that reading about it will break your ankles. Don’t believe me? Look down at your ankles right now. That’s right.”
If Pistol Pete lost half his talent, they’d still say he boom got them dos!
Pistol Pete ran the triangle offense in 1 on 1 games.
Pistol Pete didn’t call time outs. He stopped time.
Pistol Pete woulda averaged 57 points a game with the college three point line (that one’s real).”
Pistol Pete is so fast that he makes other fast people…………..seem…..umm….not..so fast.
well that sucked.”
Pistol Pete referred to practice as nap time.
Pistol Pete ate whole boxes of Wheaties in between time outs.
Pistol Pete never turned the ball over ever. The numbers that indicated otherwise on stat sheets were on the order of Pistol himself, just to show his supreme humility; one among many of his countless outstanding qualities.
Pistol Pete knows where Carmen San Diego is.”
The 3PT line wasn’t ready like spaghetti for Pistol Pete
The Pistol often pissed his name onto the opposing teams locker rooms just like we piss our names into snow. Most of the floors had to be replaced becase of the seriousness of his piss’ architectual damage.
Pistol Petes calander goes straight from the 31st March to the 2nd of April – No one fools pistol Pete.
Pistol Petes tears cure cancer – too bad he never cries.
When Pistol Pete does push ups he doesn’t go up the world goes down.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Pistol Pete.
Pistol Pete gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Superman owns a pair of Pistol Pete pyjamas.
Pistol Pete sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looksand unparallelled rugby ability. Shortly after the transaction wasfinalized, Pete spear-tackled the devil and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn’t stay mad and admitted he should haveseen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
The only time Pistol Pete was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.”
Pistol Pete only missed shots to make you think you have a chance.
Pistol Pete once scored 50 points, during halftime.
Pistol Pete’s shots vaccinate against polio.
Wilt Chamberlain was Pistol Pete standing on his own shoulders.”
Pistol Pete once dunked from the free throw line in a game … the opponent’s free throw line.
Pistol Pete never checked into the game, he just walked on and off the court whenever he felt like it.
Pistol Pete didn’t try to outscore the other team, he tried to outscore both teams.
Pistol Pete’s hair was a lock-down defender.”
When Pistol ran suicides he didn’t touch the foul line and the midcourt line, he touched I-95, I-77, I-35…
Pistol Pete once ate an orange and started crying…and Gatorade was born
Pistol Pete once put the ball through both baskets on the same shot
Pistol Pete was Mr. Miyagi’s father
During the opening tip once, the pistol grabbed the ball and made a layup before it reached maximum height
Pistol Pete could throw underhand so well, he once struck out 26 batters in a slow pitch softball game.
The only guy he didn’t strike out was Chuck Norris, who flew out to center”
When Pistol Pete’s shot gets cold, the inside of the rim becomes a superconductor.
The Soviet Union had an answer to Reagan’s star wars defense program, they collapsed because they didn’t have an answer to Pistol Pete.
When Pistol Pete played for the Jazz, they saved money on halftime entertainment. Pistol Pete would just watch other teams acts on the road and do them in costume at home. In one game, Pistol Pete had 60 points, 20 assists, and 20 rebounds in the second half, after spending most of halftime escaping from an underwater tank where he could not breathe.”
Pistol Pete’s statistics started the high tech boom in America by creating a demand for more powerful adding machines.
Pistol Pete could sink a 15 lb. bowling ball from half court, while lying flat on his back.
Every woman that Wilt Chamberlin slept with had been with Pistol Pete first.
Pete Maravich played a full game at lsu with a splint on his knee. He couldn’t walk so he stood the whole game at half court and scored 30 pts with 20 assists and 5 steals.”
Pistol Pete could reliably hit a three from any body position while break dancing.
Pistol Pete never missed a layup, ever, in his life. The closest shot he ever missed was a 12 foot jumper. Hurricane Camille was hitting Louisiana with 130 mph winds but Pete insisted on practicing on the outdoor court. He also missed a half court shot that day, after spending a few hours shooting.
Pistol Pete once beat Bruce Lee in a martial arts fight. Pete knocked him out with an unorthodox two handed push to the forehead. Only his fingertips touched Lee.”
pistol pete was ready before spaghetti
Pistol Pete wasn’t named after a gun, guns were named after him.
When Pistol Pete ran the floor, he never traveled any distance, the distance traveled for him.
Pistol Pete didn’t have ice water in his veins, your cooler has Pete’s blood.”
Pistol Pete averaged 39 points and 18 dimes one season, after he retired.
The season after Pistol Pete was traded from the Jazz… He still led them in scoring.
Pistol Pete once outscored the opposing team for an entire game, at the tip off.
Pistol Pete didn’t drink water during time outs, he drank souls.
Pistol Pete’s socks led the league in assists.”
The reason why the 3 point line was not invented after Pistol Pete was because he would average 70 points a game
To make a great branch of steroids you need Hennessy, Cocaine, and Pistol Pete’s Blood.
Pistol Pete can play and finish quarter averaging 40 points, 10 boards and 12 assists
Pistol Pete is the legitimate father of Kobe, Lebron, Chris Paul, and Michael Beasly
During the 1980 Summer Olympics the US didn’t go because Pistol Pete coached the Yugoslavia team. We call that “intelligent” warfare”
Pete Maravich is most known for destroying Dick Vitale blood vessels in his neck from saying “It’s Awesome BABY!”
A Pistol Pete crossover would end Shaun Livingston’s life.
Pistol Pete could win a championship with three cardboard players and Gumby on his side with the 07 08 Miami Heat on the bench”
A Pistol Pete crossover would break the ankles of the entire opposing team
Pistol Pete can make a shot while double fisting beers in the owner’s box
Pistol Pete is so Christ-like, a 5 year old can walk onto a D-1 team after watching his youtube instructional videos
Pistol Pete can score 40 while walking on his hands and shooting with his feet”
Any guy who had to guard Pistol Pete would become so negative that if he were in a darkroom he’d develop.
Pistol Pete never learned how to follow his own shot because he never missed any.
A spinning, no-look, between the legs bounce pass from Pistol Pete ended world hunger.
Pistol Pete brushed his teeth with brillo pads and flossed with razor blades.
Pistol Pete used to fill his jock with week-old crullers because that’s how he rolls.”
Pistol Pete’s homework basketball videos led the NBA in scoring and assists in 1988.
Pistol Pete wants everyone to know that he let Jerry West be the logo
Pistol Pete solved Tupac and Biggie’s murders. He just doesn’t want to tell you who did it.
Pistol Pete could beat Tiger Woods in a golf tournament. Nah…just kidding.”
pistol pete didn’t need his team mates, his team mates needed him
pistol pete was always on fire, he caused heat waves.
his shooting was so hot, he ended the cold war.
he could dribble a bowling ball better than Skip to My Lou would handle the basketball.
pistol pete doesn’t climb mountains, mountains bow down to him.
pistol pete was so good, everyone around him looked so bad.
he’d score so much points, the scorer often lost count.
his numbers were so outrageous, nobody today would’ve believed pistol pete was white.
to post 84: pistol pete is so good, he’ll shoot a basketball in a golf hole…using a golf CLUB! ‘nuff said, pete pawns the tiger”
I heard once that Pistol Pete went up for a layup that started in Times Square and he landed somewhere around Beijing, thus creating the Chinese Basketball Association.
Pistol Pete never used a gun when hunting, he spit out lead bullets and crapped Titanium-another reason they call him the Pistol.
The Army wanted to recruit the Pistol because they knew then they really could be an Army of one.
Someone once asked Pistol Pete what he thought about racism in America, he answered “I pity them racist fools” Shortly after Mr. T changed it to “I pity the fool” The royalties he got on the quote were amazing.
Pistols socks were tight when he put them on, but he was so silky smooth they instantly changed to silk and slid down, thus the floppy look.
Pistol Pete didn’t really die, he had started playing ball again as a black man named Michael Jordan. The NBA decided they better kill off the Pistol before the Government started looking into it. The Pistol transcended race, gender, and time.”
For fun Pistol Pete would do his crossover in front of pregnant ladies causing the disease we now know as polio
Pistol Pete was with Moses as he was escaping from the egyptians, when faced with the red see he did a single crossover breaking the sees ankles and causing it to split.
Strangley enough in jeopardy you can answer all the questions with who is Pitol Pete”
God originally asked Noah to teach people about Pistol’s arc, but Noah was too big a fool to comprehend its perfection.
Many of today’s NBA players still receive assists from Pistol Pete.
By counteracting a patient’s body tremors, Pistol Pete could cure Parkinson’s.
Pistol Pete’s cross over cause the Leaning Tower of Pisa.”
When pistol pete heard people calling Jordan the G.O.A.T he rose from the grave and entered Jordan’s nightmare as a monstrous basketball player crossing his airness and blocking him for hours Jordan later chronicled this ordeal in his critcally aclaimed “Space Jam”
When athletes make amazing plays time seems to slow down as God watches there acrobatic stunts in slow motion when Pistol Pete does time goes backwards as God continously rewinds his breathtaking drives causing what we now know as Deja Vu.
Pistol Pete’s amazing leaps allowed him to break the space time continum. At the age of Forty he jumped and was transported to broke to 2008 where he saw the pitiful fate of the LSU basketball program, this is the real cause of his sudden heart attack. ”
Chuck Norris once challenged Pistol Pete to a 1 on 1 game. That was last time anyone had ever seen Chuck Norris
Pistol Pete can win a 7-game series in 3 games.
Pistol Pete’s granny invented the granny shot.
Pistol Pete ate white chocalate and pooped out jason williams.
Pistol Petes blood is made of dimes
Pistol Pete is raefer alstons father
Pistol Pete can dribble with his penis
Pistol Pete did a crossover and went back in time and brought back chris kaman
Pistol Pete already knows how lebrons career is gonna go because hes already witnessed.
Pistol Pete is a decendant of zues
Pistol Petes crossover killed the dinasours
Pistol Petes crossover broke pangea apart.
Pistol Pete had such good vision he found america first.
Pistol Petes sweat makes gatorade
Pistol Pete went to medical school with Dr.J and the Professor
Pistol Petes jumpshot killed JFK
Pistol Pete proved white men can jump by jumping over the moon”
Pistol Pete was given the nickname “Pistol” because he carried a revolver in his gym shorts to intimidate opposing teams during shoot arounds. He once shot a man for double dribbling.
The Pistol shot over 66% from the 3 point line when it was introduced into the NBA while eating a ham sandwich with his other arm.
The Harlem Globetrotters only have 3 losses in over 15,000 games played. Two of those were solely at the hands of Pistol Pete when he was on the JV squad in high school (103 to 79 and 97 to 96…he had the flu in that one).”
Pistol Pete’s crossover was so filthy he had to get a tetanus shot.
Pistol Pete’s crossover was so good only Stuart Scott could see how he did it.
Pete noticed a flaw in wilt’s delivery from the line before his 100-point game, when he went 28-32 from the stripe. He also had 35 assists in the game before going back to being a gleam in his pappy’s eye.
Pete figured out a way to make his ‘67 Nova run on seawater, and was the go to guy for Red Auerbach’s Cubans.
Pete got his handles from a seance with Black Jesus and the Houdini of the Hardwood, and gave his top secret hangover cure to Hot Rod Hundley.”
pistol pete once won an nba championship and got the #1 pick for his team. his team re-drafted him.
“pistol pete, why are you so awesome? you’re the reason that i’m proud to be from louisiana” is what karl malone recites during every free throw.
in a best of 7 playoff series, pistol pete once came back from a 3-0 deficit to win the series 5-2.
when wilt scored 100 points, pistol pete tallied the assists.”
Pistol Pete was so good that his shadow was the runner up for National Player of the Year…..Three years after he left college.
Pistol Pete could touch MC Hammer.
The framers of the constitution gave Pistol Pete 13/8 of a vote.
Every time Pistol Pete steps on a crack, he breaks someones backboard.
Pistol Pete could turn water into gatorade, and when he played, gatorade had not been invented yet.”
Pistol Pete is called Pistol because he once killed a man with an out of control bounce pass…..
Pistol Pete’s jumpshot created the baby boom of the 60’s…women got turned on every time pistol hit them jumpers
Pistol Pete and Chunck Norris once played a game of one on one and no winner is yet to be named….earthquakes are the result of this epic game…..
Pistol Pete’s crossover is the reason for the emergency system tests on TV…..”
Pistol Pete was such a fast, sharp, passer, that in a champion ship game he once cracked the time barrier, giving the ball to the newest sensation at center, Abraham Lincoln. Lincoln converted the two, securing Pete’s assist, but failed to convert the foul shot, enraging assistant coach Booth