More North Dakota Livin’

That picture is a little blurry. My phone doesn’t have the best of focus abilities. Regardless, the only thing you need to see in this picture is the temperature. It’s still cold out here. It’s actually snowing right now. Aint that some ish right there? 

Well, despite the cold weather, I’ve still been living my life real North Dakota style. What does that mean exactly? It means that I’ve been playing a lot of Smash Brothers and Madden. It means that I’ve been buying food and CD’s from Wal-Mart. It means that I’ve been pushing the 12 passenger Van from 1st street to 12th and from A to D. It means that as part of a photoshoot I did for SLAM magazine, we took like 50 photo’s outside in the snow, leaving me with numb fingers and a frostbitten smile. It means that I have pretty much taken a liking to darts, pool, and blackjack. 

What else have I been doing lately? I’ve been hitting up the local bar circuit again. I gave up on Buck’s a long time ago, but I have recently gone back. I decided that as long as I’m not looking for women, Buck’s aint that bad. Well, that doesn’t necessarily make it good, but it aint bad. Ever since I started playing blackjack (very, very low stakes blackjack), I can stand to be in Buck’s for a good hour or so. That does not mean that I didn’t see a 300lb. woman bend alllll the way over last night in an attempt to get my attention. It also doesn’t mean that 4 different 50 year old women didn’t try to get at me just last night. Seriously. I saw one coming and pretended to read the label on my Miller Lite like there was some new information on that bad boy. Still, she tried to talk to me as I paid her no attention, reading away. Finally she grabbed me by the arm and attempted to literally drag me out to the dance floor, at which I point I had to open my mouth and tell her to let go of my coddamn right arm! Talk about aggressive son. 

Buck’s is old news now, though. The new hotness is Stadium, a place a hated last year because this 300 lb woman was running loose around that place picking people up and tossing them around the way jugglers toss bowling pins through the air. I’m pretty sure at one point she had me, Kevin Lyde, and Matteen Cleaves in the air like a coddamn pizza chef would have his dough. 

Now that she’s gone, the crew and I spend a couple nights a week there. Since there is no longer the threat of the female beast roaming the area, some of the excitement is gone. Still, there are some sights to behold. Last time I was there, there were a group of kids wearing metallic jackets, parachute pants, and other 80’s, Michael Jackson / MC Hammer / Vanilla Ice type gear drinking their heads off. I, personally, could never drink that much while wearing such outfits because I would forget that I look like KAZAAM and I might go to Perkin’s (like Denny’s) at the end of the night dressed like a seven foot tall black genie. These kids really didn’t seem to care. Right after the bar closed, they went outside, turned the music up real high on their car stereo, and proceded to dance to the music. With all four car doors open, these guys drunkenly took over the parking lot and danced. First they danced to Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy For My Shirt,” then followed that performance up with a dance inspired by Spice Girls “Wannabe.” 

As you watch the video, you have to notice to subtlties such as the guy with the briefcase (obviously there are no briefs inside). He uses his breifcase as a dance prop so well that you have to assume that this whole thing was rehearsed, but then again, I saw how many shots he took in the bar, there’s no way he could remember that kind of choreography. 

It’s been about more than bars though. I’ve gotten out of the house during the day too. I went to watch some of the North Dakota high school state basketball tourney a couple weeks ago. I wouldn’t exactly call this place a hotbed of talent, but the kids played hard and they were big games so there was entertainment value. The high school atmosphere was crazy too. There’s nothing like watching the Dickinson “Midgets” compete. I personally took a liking to a sign that the Bismarck High “Demons” had on display: 

“Rah rah knee, kick em in the knee. Rah rah rass, kick em in the other knee.” Really? I found this sign to be awesome because it makes it seem like the school fight song calls for kicking of the knees. My high school fight song was not nearly as aggressive. 

Anyways, I was in Wal-Mart the other day (what else is new?) and I noticed something. Tell me if you notice the ridiculousness of the situation: 


I guess there are a few things funny about this. For starters, ETHNIC hair care? Coddamn that makes it easy. Instead of asking where the du-rags were located, I should have asked the customer service rep where the ethnic $#!T was at. It’s also funny because most of the things in the “ethnic” section are also found in various other parts of the store. Coco butter is also in the lotion section. Hair nets have no ethnicity and thus are also found on the next aisle as well. I guess somebody decided what black people needed and put it all right there. Boom. A lot of it aint even hair care stuff, it’s just black stuff. No other ethnicities are represented whatsoever. I wouldn’t be surprised if “Boyz In The Hood,” and “Friday” were also sold in the Ethnic hair care section right next to the Magnum XL’s. Lastly, and the funniest part about it, THERE ARE NO BLACK PEOPLE IN NORTH DAKOTA! There’s no need to sell all this when the Dakota Wizards are the only people who might buy it. I’ll tell you what this reminds me of: 

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