Funny Myspace Messages 9

You should be familiar with how these things go by now, so I won’t waste effort with any kind of introduction. Let’s do it… 

I got this first message from a girl with the display name: Killa K G.I.M. Double D dont f#@kin play.~$~” I took the liberty of editing her language for the curse-word sensitive… 

Dec 24, 2007 7:08 AM 

Flag as Spam or Report Abuse [ ? ] 

Subject: 

No Subject 

Body: 

Wat ^ wit u 

When I got this message I was a little worried. I wasn’t worried that I was being targeted, but I was more concerned with the fact that this could be the laziest person to ever send a message. Is it really that much more effort to type out “What’s up with you?” I personally don’t think so. In fact, considering you have to hit Shift + 6 to make the “^” sign, time was not actually saved. Whatever, I had no intention of replying, so it didn’t matter. I wasn’t even gonna write about it until I got another message on the same day. 

Dec 24, 2007 8:01 PM 

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Subject: 

No Subject 

Body: 

wats good 

This time I got an “s” but still no “h”. Lazy bastard. Regardless, I noticed something else. This girl woke up at 7 a.m. on Christmas eve to send me a lazy ass message, then 13 hours later, on Christmas eve, she was still all caught up in Rod Benson’s world and couldn’t help but to send me another message. Honestly, isn’t there something else she could be doing to occupy her time on Christmas eve. Maybe it was so cold outside that she spent all day inside on MySpace. Maybe not: 

 

It’s obvious that it can never be too cold for her to get outside and take a picture, so I threw the last theory out the window. Also, I never quite understood that pose. I see a lot of people do it, but I don’t know why. Does her back hurt? Could she have just completed a set of squats? Is Lil’ John’s “Get Low” playing in the background? Maybe the camera man also doubles as a limbo judge. Who knows? 

Now it was time to see what her profile was all about. 

“UNTIL 4EVA IT WILL ALWAYS BE ABOUT THE SAGITTAURUS. ALL F#&KIN DAY AN ALL F@$KIN NIGHT. 24hrs A DAY N&GGAS.” 

Female 

16 years old 

GARY, Indiana 

United States 

Wow. Just wow. Stupid message? Strike one. 16 years old? Strike two. Ridiculous tagline? Strike three. Seriously, being a “Sagittaurus” is not that tight. But I do get the all day all night thing. She spent all day and all night trying to send me MySpace messages. Really? 

Moving on.. 

Jan 6, 2008 10:57 PM 

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Subject: 

No Subject 

Body: 

come thru…and leave me a pix comment…preciate chu… 

I guess this could be worse. It would be a safe assumption that she has many pictures that she would “preciate” a comment on. Basically all this really means is that she wants me to check her out and then leave some sort of sexy, witty comment daring her to comment on my photos as well. Her problem was that she only had one picture: 

….aaaaaaannd the caption under it said: 

” 

I did leave a comment. Here’s what it said: 

Is this the picture I was supposed to comment on? I love Madden as much as anybody, but chances are good someone would have to look at you in the face while you play, unless you can see through your ass and control with your feet. 

Honestly, I guess we’ve come to a point where people think an ass with playstation abilities is perfectly fine. Anybody who sees a playstation playing ass on myspace and pursues it has serious, serious issues. 

Well, I guess there could be worse things. You could have this as your main pic:

 

and then you could send me this: 

Jan 9, 2008 8:23 PM 

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Subject: 

No Subject 

Body: 

hello … 

Hello…? E.T. phone home? I wasn’t sure what she wanted me to say back (not that I was going to send anything back anyway), but her main pic was enough for me to take a peek at her page. This was her “about me”: 

“i love 2 dance……it “s my life!!! only hip-hop r” &b….!!! my dream is to dance for a greate performer…..like MISSY ELLIOT,SNOOP DOG,JAY-Z,METHODMAN,EMINEM…X-ZIBIT…E.T.C!!!!!!!!!!!” 

I mean, Im not in the business of shattering dreams, but sometimes you gotta realize when to let it go. If I was 4 feet tall, maybe I wouldn’t want to pursue the NBA. Better yet, if I had blackened toe nails with corns and bunions on them, modeling Rainbow sandals would be very difficult. Still, I had to look at some more pictures to see if the dream could be fulfilled: 

 

Let’s ignore the fact that she took a picture while SITTING on the TOILET and examine the quest to be a back up dancer. I mean you never know, but I’ve been watching Snoops new show, “Fatherhood”, and he had a video shoot on there. His son asked him if there would be attractive women there and Snoop replied “It’s a Snoop Dogg video, what do you think?” I highly doubt his son thought about this girl. 

 

I guess she just wanted a hello back from me, but seriously, I doubt she’ll be Boom Tho girl of the month anytime soon. 

Well, this is where this whole operation takes a turn. Usually I include the one or two men who sent me messages and get a laugh out of it. This time it goes to a whole ‘nother level. There must be something in the air this winter that makes men just want to send messages to straight men. I got more than enough and so did Clay, my boy from Cal. I have no problem with homosexuality, but if you violate what I consider to be MySpace acceptable, male or female, I have to write it out…. 

I’ll just start with Clay and the ridiculous men who send him messages, showing complete disregard for the “straight” label on his profile. Just absolute complete disregard. 

 

From: I’M MARSHALL, & I’M ADDICTED 2 FASHION 

Date: Dec 10, 2007 12:36 AM 

U SEXY AS HELL 

Guys name is “I’m Marshall and I’m Addicted 2 Fashion.” Haha. I guess that’s cool. I enjoy buying new gear myself, but come on. Clay doesn’t need your fashion advice, especially if you think he’s sexy as hell, Marshall. Clay doesn’t like big girls, there’s no way he’d like a big GUY. 

Yes, Marshall, you are good at doing bad things on MySpace. 

Then there were Zac and Robb… 

From: Zac 

Date: Dec 12, 2007 3:12 PM 

sup sexy? how is your day going? saw you online and thought I’d say hello. holla 

 

From: Robb.. 

Date: Nov 16, 2007 10:34 PM 

Beautiful eyez yo! 

Zac needs to quit shopping for clothes at Baby GAP. Robb looks like what Papa Smurf would look like is he was black. Both of them need to read a profile. If it says straight, then he doesn’t want to hear about his eyes, and he damn sure doesn’t wan’t to tell you about his week. Clay has like 12,000 MySpace friends, 11,900 of them being asian women, what makes you think he would like you too? 

It still only got worse for Clay: 

 

 

From: Amina Da Show Girl of the Pretty Boy Empire 

Date: Jan 4, 2008 3:19 AM 

hi sexy 

“But Rod, you said these were men sending messages, why does it say ‘Show Girl’?” Funny you should ask… Her about me says the following: 

Im a female impersonater i do drag shows in long beach, i love to sing and dance and i am a real person if you ever need someone to talk to that will be me, if you need to book me for a show hit me up.. I am also a woman of God and i have a purpose on this earth and nobody can say or take that way from me. “Pray on just little a little bit while longer, and everything will be alright.” PRETTY BOY EMPIRE: SHOW GIRLS WE ARE THE THE SHOW GIRLS(DRAG QUEENS) OF THE PRETTY BOY EMPIRE. WE ARE A PARTY CREW NOT AN HOUSE. WE EXSPECT RESPECT AND EXCELENCE, DETERMINATION AND SUCCESS IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU ARE A SHOW GIRL THEN HIT ME UP. IF YOU WANNA BE APART OF THE PRETTYBOY PARTY CREW HIT ME ILL DIRECT YOU THE THE EMPIRE MAIN HEAD.” 

So I guess this is just how it’s gonna be for clay. Gay men all over the country want him. When you consider how many messages he gets, then the 1% homosexual rate isn’t all that bad. Still, I don’t know how many people click “New Messages!” expecting to see a cross dresser, and then read the message “Hey Sexy.” 

Well, I still think my messages take the cake in this bunch. See, I’ve heard from women that guys just can’t take a hint, but I’ve never had to deal with it, really. I just laugh comments like that off. Now I understand a little better: 

For starters, I was a little confused by the display name “Back off boys dis d*ck and booty belong to Marco”, especially since it came with this message: 

Subject: you have a gorgeous smile 

Body: 

holla at me 

There is already so much wrong with this picture. I’ve never heard someone stake claim their outgoing AND incoming parts before. I laughed so hard when I thought about this. Then, he clearly says “Back off boys” but then actively pursues boys. Then I felt sorry for Marco, whoever he is. Then, I was extremely grossed out by the whole thing. I was certainly NOT going to holla at him. I don’t play for the visitors, if you know what I mean. Well, of course you know what I mean. I like women hahaha. 

Well, I didn’t reply, of course. Not long after I got this:

Nov 13, 2007 5:58 AM 

Subject: 

No Subject 

Body: 

hey cutie!!!! holla at me sexy 

Guess I was downgraded from gorgeous to cute and sexy, or was that upgraded? I don’t know, but since Tyra Banks didn’t say it, I wasn’t interested. No reply again. 

Subject: No Subject 

Body: 

holla at me sexy 

Nope, still nothing… 

Subject: No Subject 

Body: 

how come u dont respond to my messages? 

Seriously dog, you can’t figure this one out? Not gay not gay not gay! Why the hell else would I not? There are two possibiliies: either I’m not gay, or you’re just ugly. Stop now. Stop dog. Just stop. Still, I didn’t reply. Didn’t want to give him any ammunition. 

Subject: No Subject 

Body: 

HOW R U TODAY? DID I DO SOMETHING TO UPSET U CUZ YOU HAVENT BEEN ANSWERING ANY OF MY MESSAGES? 

This guy has got to be kidding. He is talking to me like I owe him something. He’s talkin to me like I KNOW him. I should be upset by now because I am obviously doing something so gay on my page that he refuses to buy any other circumstance. Luckkkyyyy for me this was the last one. I still do think I have a homosexual stalker. He’s probably googled me. He could be reading this right now. If he is, I hope he has learned something. If someone doesn’t say gay, don’t get mad when they are polite enough to just not answer. I know people who fight over this stuff. He’s lucky I’m a passivist. 

I know you wanna see what this guy looks like. I’ve been saving it for a reason. First, take a look at his profile info (edited once again): 

“Im a freak between the sheets….love licking booty 

Who I’d like to meet: 

Just any body that is willing to be my friend; I don’t need no hata’s on my sh*t cause fake mothaf**ka’s can sucka d*ck I’m the trillest gonna always be reppin my game making all my ghetto hood fame cause n*ggas know about. Me it doesn’t matter where you from if your just curious its understandable cause I love all people I’ll except you for being your self…!” 

Does this even need analysis? Nope. I will say that it is crazy that someone would have a public profile and say that they “love licking booty.” Maybe that’s just me. Well, on to the pictures. I’ve never laughed so hard at a picture: 

 

Really? Really? Dude is straight up smiling into the water as it falls into his face. As a reader of TMRB, you have now officially seen it all. What was crazy was that this picture had like 80 comments on it including these: 

from

Elijah: 

Damn I wish I were a drop of that water. 

from

“Just Me”: 

let me lick u all over 

from

“Lil Shaun”: 

I’ll dry u off but then your gonna have to dry me off cause your making me wet 

Really son? You are a man! You don’t get wet! I spent an honest 10 minutes just laughing at all of the comments on this, the funniest photo I’ve seen on MySpace. 

Well, that wraps up Funny MySpace #9. Until next time… 

Oh yea, guy has to dry off, right? 

 

Elijah: 

You missed a spot…Let me get it for you. 

OF COURSE!

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