Don’t Make Me Punch You In The Balls… Again.

This past saturday I was out at Slide (upscale San Francisco nightclub) with JGant, Clay, and Cedric. The thing about Slide is that it’s a lot like L.A. clubs. Tight women basically can just walk right in, while women who the bouncers think aren’t good enough to walk right in and all men without a VIP table have to wait out side. Even then, men can’t get in unless they have at least 50% women in their group. Well, Clay and I were on the list, so we didn’t have to worry about female accompaniment. JGant and Cedric were on their own to find some womens to help them get into the club. 

JGant was the only one drinking that night so it was no surprise when we walked back up with the only 3 girls in line that I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole. Then again, he had to make his way in somehow. Right before we got in, 3 other girls that I wouldn’t call terrible, butI also wouldn’t call the cream of the crop walked by and said “Look at those guys,” clearly talking about JGant and myself. 

Cedric, Me, and JGant at Slide 

I disregarded all six of the women and made my way inside. As usual, there was a lot of talent in there. I’m telling you, in S.F. you can’t get more eye candy than slide. As my eyes were making their way around the room, I felt a tap on my shoulder. 

I turned around and saw that it was that same group of girls who were looking at us outside. Like I said, they weren’t terrible, but I mean, I really wasn’t interested. 

One of them yelled over the music “Why don’t you loosen up and dance?” 

I, having a complete understanding of club speak, replied “Umm well, I need to drink before I can dance, sorry.” 

See, in club speak, that translates to “I’m trying to be nice, but I’m just not interested in dancing with you.” Everybody knows this. I mean, maybe some people persist beyond that point, but it’s rare. These girls were that rare case. They continued to ask me to dance and to loosen up. Finally, I walked over to Clay who was at the bar and I said “Clay I am only speaking to you so that these girls will think I’m giving you a drink order and then leave me alone. What is gonna happen is, when you get your drink, we are gonna walk to the other side of the club and avoid them.” 

When Clay got his drink, I quickly grabbed JGant and Cedric and we went to the other side of the building. The girls followed. Dammit. JGant and I had already started dancing, so I couldn’t use the “I need my drink” line again. When JGant and I get going, we command the attention of the whole room, so it would be tough to get these girls to leave now. They all surrounded me and started trying to get me to dance with them. No way was I gonna honor their request. Within a 5 foot radius of me there were plenty of girls worth dancing with who would see this exchange and assume that I was with one of them. I couldn’t let that happen. 

Somewhere along the way, they scouted that JGant was drunk. I mean he was just wasted. I don’t know how this happened, it didn’t look like he drank that much. Either way, the girls now had two targets: me and JGant. JGant started breaking them off one by one. Honestly, I couldn’t believe he was really going at them this hard. I know he has higher aspirations for a place like Slide, but at the end of the day, it was just dancing so I wasn’t concerned. 

I wasn’t concerned until I heard from Cedric that he and JGant had made a bet. $100 would go to the man who could take a girl home with him that night. I remember thinking “Oh no.” With this bet in mind, JGant wouldn’t pay any attention to the classy, attractive women in the building. He would focus his attention on those women who were ready like spaghetti, regardless of any other factors. Those women were already right in front of him. I realized that we had been there for maybe 45 minutes and that those 3 girls were still all surrounding him. I don’t think he realized that they had cut him off from the rest of the group. I was still being nice to them because they were just doing them. Then they started taking hella pictures. Pictures of me. 

When the photos started, I went from being nice to being angry. I went to the one with the camera and told her to stop taking pictures of me. She asked if I was somebody important and I told that I wasn’t. Then she came at me with “Then why do you care?” 

“Why do I care? It doesn’t matter why I care. The point is, quit taking coddamn pictures. I don’t need a reason.” Mean? Maybe. Necessary? Absolutely. 

I made another effort to relocate our group. Cedric and Clay went to the other side of the room, while I had to literally drag JGant away from these women. When we got to the other side of the room, I set JGant up to dance with a much better woman who was not ugly, or wasted, or taking photos of us. I swear I must have turned my head for a second when the other 3 girls were back, tugging at his shirt. He turned around and started dancing with them again. I quickly pulled him away and moved the group to the other side of the room again. These girls were killing our whole situation in that bad boy and they knew it. They were standing around us like we all came in together. 

The followed us again, and this time they put the full court press on JGant. The started grabbing him and rubbing him, slow dancing him and caressing him. I really think he had no idea what it looked like. It looked like they were raping him. They basically controlled his every move. We had been in there for almost 2 hours and they were still just making my man look bad. I made a couple more relocation attempts, but they kept following us. Worse yet, they kept taking pictures. I said to JGant: “Tell your girls to quit taking pictures of me or I will break that coddamn camera. No joke.” He seemed to listen, but when he went to talk to them, it turned into him giving out lap dances. 

It was time for us to leave JGant alone for a while and make our own moves. For about 30 minutes, clay and I made moves all over Slide, really just enjoying ourselves. When we came back to near where JGant was, one of the 3 girls was kissing some other black guy near the bar, another one was grinding up on someone else, and JGant was hugged up with the ugliest one against the wall. 

Clay, Cedric and I had a quick meeting. Should we let JGant wake up the next day ashamed, disgusted, and possibly carrying Herpes? Or should we end this now, knowing that he would get mad, but thank us later. There was still about 20 more minutes of good time at Slide and he could make moves in that time no doubt. I concluded that I would make one last effort to get him away. 

I walked up to JGant and told him to leave the girl behind. It was crazy because the other two girls left their partners to come back and stop JGant from leaving. He finally told them he had to go and began to walk away when the main girl grabbed his shirt and wouldn’t let him get away. I think he was so drunk that he forgot that he was supposed to leave. He turned around and kept talking to them. I had seen enough. These girls were not playing fair. 

I walked over to Cedric and told him to watch. I walked back over to JGant and socked him right in the balls, hard. He bent over and fell the the ground. The girls knew that his attention was diverted and they snapped at me. 

“Oh my God that’s so mean, why would you do that? That was so un-cool,” the main one said. 

“Hey, he’s my friend. He can be mad at me if he wants, but I had to get him in the one place where he would stop thinking about you,” I fired back. 

Meanwhile, JGant was still on the ground holding his balls very gingerly. He got up and hobbled over to the bar, where he placed both hands on his knees and stayed bent over for a few minutes. I walked over to him and let him know he could hate me, but I had to do what I had to do. The girls were nowhere in sight so I finally felt like he could have a good time. 

Once his little JGants recovered, he found a new set of women to entertain. I felt like a proud father who had steered his child away from drugs. I went on about my business and had my fun. Then I saw the 3 girls come back into view. They walked right up JGant and grabbed his hands. They actually grabbed him away from the new girls he was dancing with and walked him over to the bar. 

This time I didn’t hesitate. I walked right over there. I saw he was smiling at their words so I reared back and socked him in the balls again. 

“You’re an assh#le,” one of the girls said as they made their way toward the exit and finally left. JGant stayed down much longer this time. He was clearly hurt. I leaned down towards JGant and said, just loud enough for him to hear me, “Better to have sore balls today, than to have Gonorrhea tomorrow.” 

I don’t know if he recovered from that second punch that night. He also lost his phone. Im pretty sure I saw him crying 10 minutes later. But he probably just had something in both his eyes. He was over all of it an hour later, so we’re cool. 

A lot of craziness for my last bay area night out. I head to Jersey next week so it’s time to make moves. I don’t think I can sock anyone in the balls out there. Especially not twice. 

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