You Don’t Have The Balls

While in L.A., I got to spend time with my boyAlex.  Alex went to UCLA where he was in AEPi fraternity.  Basically, because of him andNoose(also an AEPi), I spent a ton of time at AEPi over the years.  I became very much a part of the Jewish frat life.  Anyways, Alex invited me to their “Jungle Party” on thursday night.  I didn’t think he would be so hyped up for it considering we have been out of college for about a year.  Well for whatever reason he was real hyped so we decided to go.

At about 9pm that night, we met up with his other Frat brothers for a little pre-party in Westwood.  While there, talk of my blog sprung up somehow.  All of a sudden everyone is saying how they need to make the night a “blog worthy” night.  I’m sitting there in disbelief.  They actuallywantto do something so ridiculous that it would end up as fodder for tmrb.com?  Who was I to stop them?  I sat there and watched as they all put their hands in (like the way teammates do in sports before breaking a huddle) and say “Get in Rod’s blog on three.  1.  2.  3.  Get in Rod’s blog!”  Thats when the drinking picked up.  Everyone was even more hyped up for the night now that there was a common interest.

When we left the pre-party spot, a couple of guys went straight to the party, while Alex and I made a pit stop at his girlfriends house.  When we got there, Alex and Liz started talking about whatever while I prepared a couple more drinks for Alex and myself.  I came back into the room and they were talking about something that caught my attention.

Liz was mentioning the fact that, because she is an actress, she has kissed other men since they started dating.  She then says that she always says that Alex can kiss another girl to make things even, but that Alex never does it.  I interject.

“Liz,” I begin, “you mean to tell me that you would really let Alex kiss another woman?”  In my mind this is all just a ploy to test his loyalty to her, but she answers me with “of course I would.  I have kissed other guys so it is not a big deal.”  It is then that I take it to the next level.  “So,”  I say laughingly, “if he was to kiss another girl tonight, you mean to tell me that you would be O.K. with it?”  She quickly replies with “Yes.  Of course.  In fact if he kisses another girl tonight I’ll buy him dinner tomorrow.”

I look over at Alex who hasnt said much in a while.   I then turn and look at Liz again.  “I hope you realize that I will really make him do this.  I won’t let him think his way out of this.  I will get him drunk and I can get him to do anything when he’s drunk.”  She, ever so confidently says to Alex: “You dont have the balls.  You’re too much of a p*ssy.”  Alex begins to speak up but I dont remember what he says.  I am caught up in this new challenge.  She has just made the night blog worthy.  It is everything Alex could have hoped for.  I give her one more chance to end this.  I say “Look, I know what you’re doing here.  I get it.  Testing his loyalty doesnt take all of this.  When I leave here it’s on like donkey kong.”  She says “We have been going out for 2 and a half years, if he was gonna cheat he would have done it a long time ago.  I dont need to test his loyalty.  Just make sure that she is not fat or ugly, cause that would be too easy.”

As Alex and I headed towards the party, we were giddy about the party and the possibility of getting him hooked up.  It was like he was given his mojo back for a one night trial.  As soon as we walked in, we went right upstairs and I got to work.  First, I enlisted as many frat guys as I could.  I told them that they had one mission and one mission only: to get Alex kissed before the night was over.  Once I had an army of helpers, I began to work my magic…

“So I have this friend.  His girlfriend actually, seriously bet him that he wouldnt kiss another girl tonight.  I was wondering if you would help us out?”

“See my boy over there?  Yea, thats him.  Im looking for a nice young lady who might kiss him tonight.  Just a kiss?”

“Ok so, Im not saying youre that type of girl or anything, but could you see yourself kissing a guy tonight?”

“I will give you $20 straight up if you do me a favor.  All I need you to do is kiss my boy over there for just a second.  Cmon $20!?  Better take that money honey!”

“My friend is a broadway actor.  He’s in the new production of ‘The Little Mermaid’.  We are looking for an Ariel type girl for the whole ‘kiss the girl’ scene.  Do you think you can help  us out?”

“Heres the deal.  Can you, or someone you know please kiss my friend.  We NEED to get this done.”

“$20 bucks to kiss him on the lips.  Please.  25?”

I must have tried every single line I could think of.  Every single angle I could come from, I did.  There was one time where I was like “I have this frien..” the girl cut me off with “No.”  One girl said “What are you some kind of pimp?  Offering money?  Not cool.”  Another actually listened to my whole rap, but Alex stopped me with “Liz said the girl can’t be ugly.”  Dammit, I guess I got desperate.  As 1:30am rolled around, I realized that this was a lost cause.  I also realized that for Liz, this wasnt about see if Alex would kiss another girl, it was about whether or not Alexcouldkiss another girl.  Wow.  When it hit me I thought she was kind of mean, but hey Alex has been faithful for 2 and a half years, his mojo is all out of whack.  What could you really expect from him in a one night situation.  The game was unfair.

Oh snap!  I had been so busy trying to hook him up, that I didnt talk to one girl my coddamn self!  No way did I just let that happen.  I grabbed Alex and said “Yea, its getting late.  i dont think we can do this.  Lets, umm, switch the game and see if we can hook ME up.”  He obliged.  The only problem with this was that the party was damn near over and every girl there had already heard me pitch for my friend.  Terrible terrible situation.  It was all over.

The next day, Liz made it clear that I was a failure for not being able to hook Alex up.  Then she made him buy her dinner at this nice Italian restaurant and pay for her Spider – Man 3 ticket.  She may have won this round, but I swear, one day I will redeem my hookup abilities and get Alex a girl so hot that he will reconsider his lover for her.  Lets bet dinner on it.

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