The Madden Racist

As many of you may or may not have read, I like to play Madden NFL 2007.  Actually, that’s a hell of an understatement, I love Madden.  I love it like my child, or my wife.  In my last post about Madden, I made all of these things clear.  Now I would say that I am more in love than ever.  I want to renew my vows to Madden because it makes me feel so good on a daily basis.  Yea, I said it.  You may think I’m crazy now, but thats ok.  Im crazy in love… with my XBOX 360 and Madden. 

I was sitting in my living room on a snowy day 3 weeks ago, when it dawned on me to go get a 360 so I could play Madden.  So I did.  It didnt take long before I realized that the 360 version is completely different than the PS2 one used to be, and that I would need time to adjust.  So I called my teammate over who claimed to be good and we played a game.  He actually beat me like 65-63.  I couldn’t believe I lost.  I hadnt lost a game since back in September 2006, weeks after the game came out.  I then decided to go online and join the Madden Nation.  Here I could test my skills, day in and day out, and prove to myself what kind of player I could be.  I have since beaten him 10 straight times.  He quit every one for fear of the score getting out of control. 

Game one, go time, no looking back, in there like swimwear.  I still didnt know the controls, but I didnt care.  Well, neither did the guy who was beating me 35-0 before I unplugged the cord from the box.  I read the manual and turned my box back on.  This time I was playing an 11 year old kid.  He got up 14-0 on me before saying “Wow, you’re 22 years old?  You suck.”  Bastard little kid, if only he knew my accolades on the PS2, if only he knew.  Well too bad for him that I came storming back to beat his 6th grade ass.  Oh yea, I was running my mouth the whole time too.  See in case you don’t know, you have a headset on when you play this game, meaning you can hear them, they can hear you.  So on my way back to victory I used my trash-talk skills.  I was like “Dont you have homework to do son?”  “Hey Jessica Simpson called, she says get proactive now before the pimples take over in two years.”  “I’m the school bully kid, time to take your beating!”  “Hey kid, dont ever speak to your elder with disrespect son.  I wont tolerate that kind of disrespect!”  Am I the bad guy here?  No.  This is online Madden, and all’s fair in love and Madden.  If he couldnt take the heat, he shouldve stayed out my kitchen runnin his mouth! 

Well since that game, I have gone 28-17.  I only challenge people with winning records, and my record isnt quite indicative of my ability because my internet cuts out sometimes and when it does, I lose automatically.  Im like a .750 winning percentage.  So I go into every game confident that I will win.  Well, I go into this game against a guy whos GAMERTAG is “FudgeOmaha”.  He’s the Cowboys, I’m the Chargers as usual.  He says “What’s up?” in a thick southern accent.  I say “What’s up?”  From then on he doesn’t say a word.  He jumps out to a 12-7 lead and then I run off 28 straight points.  The whole time Im singing various rap songs into the mic trying to get a reaction out of him because hey, trash talk is my job.  That’s when it took an unexpected turn.  As my boy Tomlinson runs in a 75 yard touchdown, I hear the guy fondle with his mic a little.  Then, no joke, he says “F*#k you, you f*43kin N-gger.”  I say “Wait, what did you say?  I don’t think I heard you right.”  He then repeats it: “I said F*#k you, you f*43kin N-gger.”  Now as a black man, there are only so many things you can do when a white guy calls you this, but when playing madden online there are even less.  I dont know this guy, he could be anywhere.  I could report his GAMERTAG in which case he would just get another one, I could get all worked up for no reason, or I could turn my box off and lose the game.  Well if you know me, you know that I don’t follow those kinds of rules.  I came right back at him.  “Hey whoa whoa whoa, don’t tell me you’re a racist?  Oh man this is just too good.  It gets better and better!”  He seemed a little surprised that I would say that so he said “Shut up!”  I was like “Hey hey hey, man where are you from?”  “Why the F*#k would I tell you, N-gger?”, he replied.  “Well,” I said, “where I’m from, guys like you are few and far between.  You wouldn’t like it there.  Too many (in a southern accent) damn liberals!”  He doesn’t reply.  Right then he runs back my kickoff for a touchdown.  You know how announcers will say things like “He’s at the 30, the 20, the 10… Touchdown!”?  Well he kinda did the same thing except it was “F*#k you N-gger, F*#k you N-gger, F*#k you N-gger… Touchdown!”  I swear to you this is what he says.  Im sure he wants me to start insulting white people or something, but I refuse.  My next possession I am just annoying the hell out of this guy.  As I’m marching down the field for my next score I, in the thickest accent I can conjure, say things like “Hey hey hey, why would you control DeMarcus Ware?  He’s black!  Wait hey hey hey!  Now you wanna use him to sack my white quarterback!?  What the hell is wrong with you?  Can I report you to the KKK?  You seem like a N-gger lover to me!  Do you have some sort of bumper sticker that says ‘How’s my Racism?  Call 1-800-LOVE KKK’?  No?  Well look, just sub in your white guys so we can have a racial battle.”  I swear this got to him so bad it was unbelievable.  All he was saying was “Shut up, shut the F*#k up!”  over and over again.  But I didn’t shut up, this was Madden.  I was winning 45-19 at this point and there were still 6 minutes left.  “So were you born racist or did you become it?  I seriously want to know.  Did your dad beat you into racism?  Was it like a class in school that was mandatory?  Do you include other races in your hatred or just blacks?”  He wont answer any of the questions because I’m just running them off a mile a minute.  Im doing my best to get under his skin and it’s working.  As the game comes to an end, I say to him “So let’s review what we learned today, shall we?  We learned that YOU are stupid, ignorant, and slow.  We learned that YOU suck at Madden.  We learned that you have no pride and are a loser.  We also learned that I am smarter than you, which really sucks because I’m black, so don’t lose sleep over it, it happens.  We learned that I completely dominated you in Madden all while out witting you and proving myself to be much more assertive and a better trash talker than you.  We learned that white supremacy can’t possibly mean athletically because you only used black players, you hypocrite, and it cant mean academically because you are one stupid summabitch.  So, I’ll ask you again… What have we learned?”   

Absolutely beautiful right?  I feel like the damage I did to him verbally is much worse than any reporting of his GAMERTAG would have been.   Well as soon as I exit the game, I get a friend request from “FudgeOmaha”.  Word?  You really wanna play me again, son?  I accepted it because he obviously wanted a rematch.  Next time I was online, he was also online and he sent me a message that said “Rematch.”  Sure, why not beat the brakes off him once again for all my people.  This time wasnt as fun because he didnt have his headset in.  I beat him 65-0.  After the game he sent me a message that said, and I am not changing it for censorship purposes: “N1553R.”  It took me a second to realize what it meant, but when it hit me I sent him back “Hey it’s too bad you wont play me anymore, I had a lot more lessons to teach you, son.”  Two days later he sent “God bless you.”  Word?  Trying to flip the script at this stage in the game?  Not even worth a reply.  What would you do in my situation?  Am I wrong for comin at him with his own material? 

Anyways, I will keep you updated on him, along with my other madden exploits that are worth mentioning.  Until then..

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